Alice Valentine

The Truth. is a new blog series I’m starting. It gets personal, it gets raw, it gets heavy. This is a series that some may have to pass by, and understandably so. I’m not offended if you do. This series is therapy for me, but I really do hope I can help shed some light on what sometimes happens in the thoughts of survivors and why coming forward isn’t always as simple as outsiders would like to make it seem.

These are my wild thoughts…

There came a moment when I was very aware of the hundreds of contradicting thoughts that bombarded my mind daily. One of the many thoughts that managed to force itself to the front of my mind was “Do I owe him?”

A strange question, I know, but a very real one that plagued my mind.

This was my reasoning – if I fully turn to drugs or prostitution or become promiscuous as a result of what happened, then I become a part of a certain statistic. (I’ll explain this further in another blog). But if I decide I’m not going to sink any further into my depression and my own tormenting thoughts and I somehow manage to rise above this… do I owe him for extra motivation? Are my achievements now his? Do I now accredit my success to the trauma? Do I now become one of the many amazing people who’ve risen above their circumstances despite what life has thrown at them? Are my drive and my achievements any less authentic now?

I guess my question really was would I be who I am without this thing happening to me?

And so, for years I just wallowed between doing just enough and not pushing to my full potential… because I didn’t want him to be able to accredit anything I ever did to himself. It’s a very confusing conversation to have with yourself, and even more so to try and explain to others.

The truth is being violated changed me. I experienced things I wouldn’t have had I not gone through that traumatic event. I was emotionally and mentally flipped upside down. It was unlike anything I could ever compare it to and nothing I would want my worst enemy to experience.

In the midst of that, I was able to view things from a different lens. My compassion for those who experience mental illnesses grew. I was able to relate and wasn’t so quick to judge. My surge for justice became more powerful, and my need for activism was activated.

The simple fact of life is our experiences shape us – they shape our beliefs and our drive, but at the end of the day it’s what you do with these beliefs and this drive that matters. YOUR decisions are evidently what matters.

So, after years of struggling with wondering about my authenticity, I was able to finally let myself off the hook, knowing with confidence that I owed him absolutely nothing. I was able to reclaim that portion of myself without the heaviness of guilt weighing me down. I am who I am because of my own reactions to my circumstances and the grace of God.

There’s no debt to be paid.